1. to turn back time, pause it at the moment you favor the most and press play? OR
2. for some psychotic dumb ass, you just feel like you wanna die and get the life over with.
yes? it's okay, i don't judge. been there. i was one of those people who opted for number 2. being depressed is actually a sickness that one shouldn't have, or even get close to. but hey, that's just part of life that we need to face, regardless of the cause. true? no? okay, you're truly blessed. i believe you ate Care Bears+unicorns and drank a cup of glitters while growing up. stop reading this. now.
in my case?
parents, sisters and friends were actually startled seeing my condition. innerly, tears couldn't stop streaming, heartbeat was going 700times/minute, head was actually aching. i could have sworn i had an ultimate migraine, even though i don't even know how a stage one migraine felt like!
on the other hand, putting aside all of the haywire organs and veins, food couldn't be consumed, toiletries doesn't need to be refilled and my room was a heaven for the cockroaches to par-tay!
i couldn't stop blaming myself. quoting from Breakeven's lyrics, "they say bad things happen for a reason". bulls. i used to believed that bad things happened because of the nasty things that w edid in the past. i couldn't see any so-called-reason(s) that may occur from the crap i had been through.
"but no wise words could stop the bleeding". true. no matter how comforting or kind the words had been given from friends/family members, all you can do is just nod along and smile. or the least thing you can do is to say, "yeah", even though you don't mean it. it's okay to lie, they can't read minds. unless you're talking to David Blaine. which you're obviously not.
being sad was never my thing. i tried everything just to recover, i even stopped listening to my favorite RnB songs cuz i know i'll be even more depressed. the mellifluous birds chirping, cute butterflies fluttering didn't help. i was hurt.
i came to a conclusion. i called my mum at three o'clock in the morning.
my dad was pissed for one reason. after a bazillion of rings, he had to wake up, walk to the dining room, answered the phone, and i said, "hello? ayah? ibu ada?", i didn't wanna talk to him.
after talking to my mum for an hour and a half, i felt relieved, even though it wasn't 100%. my mum kinda cancelled her plans that day (nothing major. they were suppose to bring my grandma to IJN to get her pills). parents came early in the morning bringing a 1.5liter of 'air Yaasin' and asked me not to miss solat. my mum brought me out for awhile that day. i felt like a little girl who just got new Barbie while sucking a pink cotton candy.
my mum kept on reminding me not to hold any grudges towards whomsoever (if any) that turned me into that way. it was well-written and god works in mysterious ways.
